In the last few years I've heard about so many different processes, therapies and traditions to heal you, wake you up, chill you out and shake you up. It's easy to get overwhelmed by the sheer number of AMAZING things you HAVE to do, to the point that you start to feel "healing-inadequacy", the belief that "my personal healing practice is not nearly as cool as everyone else's". This is a great excuse to get stuck into the booze and sugar and start again after the weekend.
New Age Blend
New Age Blend
Welcome to the 3D part of the multiverse! Yes, you! My adventure-seeking friend!
Like me, you have found patriarchial thought-control to be an anti-life-force dead-end!
And you’re looking to create a new identity, finding ingredients in all the latest trends!
We’re both in a quest to make a life that’s the perfect New Age Blend!
I’m a Planetary Citizen, an Aquarian Traveller, a being beyond time and space.
The crystal collection fills the bedroom, and there’s prayer flags all over the place.
My veges are organic, the salads are raw, and can you believe how good rain water tastes?
And I’m discovering how coffee-enemas can take me a whole new state of grace!
My electro physiological feedback Xrroid treatments were a life-affirming success!
All that’s left now are my childhood imprints – but they’re a total mess.
It seems my Akashic Records were lost during an astral flight, just bad luck, I guess!
And the drugs from the psychiatrists are a waste of time – just thought i’d
get that off my chest.
And yes I’m still affirming and affirming,
even though I can’t quite remember for what end?
Because I’m sure that this cutting-edge modality will make my life
the perfect, holistic, New Age blend!
The alchemy of archaeoastronomy brought me to an Archaic multiverse view.
Bach Flower Remedies gave my pineal-gland toning a macro-quantum breakthrough!
But an aura reader said “Mercury’s in retrograde; so aromatherapy’s not good for you!”
So now what? Qi Gong? Reiki? Llama dancing? Or channel UFOs through my didgeridoo?
So I chant Ommmmmmmmmm and channel my native American power animal guide ask for inspiration – ah!
I’m told to take a holiday! But not to India because that’s where all the wannabe spiritual tourists go!
Maybe I’ll run another workshop in Bali, you see I’M more of a shamanic right-brain world traveller.
With thanks, I light my Japanese incense, sip my ayurvedic tea and read the
secrets of the Kabbalah.
And yes I know the healings and the journies go on and on and never seem to end;
but i’m certain this latest revelation will make my life the perfect
neo-cultural, holistic, New Age Blend!
My Harmonic Convergence life coach has lost her lustre, she doesn’t seem to listen any more!
And I’m so spiritually advanced it takes me HOURS to explain what all this healing is for!
So now I’m thinking therapy. Gestalt? CBT? SFBT? I have a flyer on the fridge door
about a new fusion of tai chi and colonic irrigation that will open the highest chakra!
I was facilitating an organic raw vegan detox workshop and a goddess asked me
‘what’s your mantra?’
I said ‘Chinese medicine has empowered my connection to Gaia and now the Qi flows like elixir’
We ended up in bed mapping our meridians, laying down for everything that we stand for.
I thought it was just a one night stand but she insists we’ve invented neo-Tantra!
And yes I’m perfect, you’re perfect, we’re all perfect and no matter what others may pretend;
this final element will make MY life the perfect nano-energetic, neo-cultural, holistic,
New Age Blend.
My genuine Aztec sweat lodge ceremony was ruined by an unrealized being’s antics.
He kept going on and on about the extra-terrestrial lizard people and their spaceship, apparently gigantic!
The lizards run the world by hypnotising leaders and making them totally sycophantic.
To defeat them we have to abolish money and refloat Atlantis, somewhere in the mid Atlantic.
Now as an existential argonaut I can tell you – past achievements don’t mean a thing.
But let me tell you about my Kambo Poison Frog Ceremony, I swelled up till I was a balloon of skin!
All my birth traumas appeared AND my fear of death and then my whole reality-tunnel began to cave in!
The next day I was so cool, I smoked DMT for breakfast and said “when does the hard part begin?”
And yes it’s all light! and light! and more light and light as we research the latest trend;
any minute now i’ll have the answer to make my life the perfect psycho-spiritual, nano-energetic, neo-cultural, holistic, New Age Blend.
I’ve sung praises to Jehova, Jesus and Allah, Quetzalcoatl, Brahma and Indra.
I’ve had so many breakdowns and breakthroughs i’ve broken my brain and my aura looks like a dog’s dinner.
I’ve vomited in circle, hyperventilated in therapy, my acupunture needles make me look like an echidna!
And I’ve had enough! I’m going to go live nude in a tree-house and become a clean-slate Zen beginner.
And from my Zen tree-house I proclaim: this is the year! I will triumph and I will transcend!
I may have to do another vipassana retreat that seems to never fucking end.
I may have to recalibrate my wu-wei and my thantos because (for some reason) my kundalini has started to ascend.
But whatever I do I am totally confident that THIS one
will make my life the perfect
New Age Blend.
And – for now – that’s The end.
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