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Wizards fighting evil traditionally seem to subsist on no income whatsoever whilst the shonky magicians who do all the shallow, flashy stuff are rolling in cash. It's a job that needs doing but who'll pay for dry-cleaning the robes or the vet bill when the familiar needs her teeth cleaned? And it's hell claiming the dole: "I couldn't look for work because the elements were out of balance! And I couldn't notify you because I was fighting a balrog at the time and I'd already been waiting on the phone for AN HOUR!"

lyrics

Wizard Benevolence Fund

Wizards! Wizards! You don’t hear much about wizards.
These days it’s all glamorous celebrities or someone floating on a lotus.
There’s witches on TV, and you can get a necromancer almost free!
but wizards... ah, we’re good at not being paid much notice.

Any old card-reader can see your futures,
and a common healer can fix your health.
Curses can be cast for a pittance,
and a smiting done for a prayer,
and any half-wit merchant can conjure up some wealth.

But what if the continuum of time gets a hernia?
Or the goddess of causality loses her focus?
When the veils get thin, and something random slips in,
you’ll be glad for something stronger than just hocus pocus!

Yes, it’s all fun and games with your oouiji board –
until someone opens a portal to a nether world substation!
And in steps a fire-demon from the hot hells of Chaos,
ready to enslave you for a very long seven generations!

Do you know how to manage a misanthropic monster?
Familiar with the inter-realm manners of a giant demonic lizard?
No... I didn’t think so, and don’t bother quoting “Harry Potter”!
The only thing that’ll help you now is a genuinly qualified wizard.

Some places the dimensions don’t fit together so well,
and it’s wizards who stitch up reality so you folks can get some sleep.
Resolving temporal incongruities with a minimum of paradox,
and guiding lost astral travellers home, like transdimensional sheep.

A gentle word and a wand can put everything back in balance, for instance
if the God of Time gets bored and awakens all your suppressed memories.
Or you recite a dodgy mantra and grow a few extra arms.
Or the naturopath misdoses and you wake up as a tree.

Then you’ll be grateful for the wizards you didn’t know where there,
disguised as cats or bats or that fellow who asks you for spare change.
Do you remember the time when the goblins almost had you for dinner?
No, you don’t – and you can thank a wizard for that graceful rearrange.

So this All Hallows Eve please put your hand in your pocket
and say “Even though I can’t remember, thanks for weilding the wand”.
Help support those of us who keep the Great Turtle serenely flying:
please, donate generously, to the Wizard Benevolence Fund.

credits

from Tales of the Rainbow Gnome, released March 17, 2017

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about

Brendan O'Shea Sunshine Coast, Australia

In his past Brendan has been a Buddhist monk, a yoga teacher, a graphic designer and he is almost qualified as a Transpersonal Counsellor. He started writing poetry 4 years ago as part of self-healing, and these are some of the most popular. He lives with his wife Kerry near Maleny. ... more

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